it really feels like I’m fed up of everything. i feel like doing nothing, going nowhere. I’ve been taking things slow thinking that maybe i was just tired but today it crossed my mind that maybe I’ve simply had enough. maybe that’s why there’s nowhere i want to go, nothing that i want to see, nothing i want to do, nothing i crave to eat and nothing that excites me anymore.
i feel like I’ve been forcing myself to do things because i ought to but I’m simply not enjoying them as i should. yes, Ayutthaya’s ruins are incredible. but after 5 temples today and 5 hours of walking/biking i just didn’t care to keep on going even though it was only 3pm. actually after the tuktuk night tour yesterday i already had enough of them. it feels like that day in Nara, japan, where i just sat in the park and did not want to move, walk, see temples or smell deers anymore. i was fed up then, but the feeling didn’t last long. but this feels deeper.
maybe I’m just tired. I’ve been on an insomnia bit and I’ve only slept 4 hours in the past 2 days. but I’ve been feeling like this since I’ve arrived in Thailand. i was just ignoring it, hopping that it would go away…
but now i don’t know. at the temple i sat down on the roots of a tree, eating a pomelo and i kept trying to find out what i wanted. i don’t want to stay here. i don’t want to leave. i don’t want to go home. i don’t really want to change country. i don’t feel like going to the beach. I’m not excited or interested in taking the diving course i wanted to treat myself to as an early Christmas present. i don’t want to volunteer or take a course in something.
i don’t know how I’m going to solve this thing. i don’t know if it’s fixable. i don’t know what to do.
what a crappy place to be at right now. I’ve only been traveling for 4 months… I’d hate for it to be over because i can’t find the joy in it anymore.
so, anyhow… i will be forcing myself into 5 more temples tomorrow, unless i really can’t be bothered after a few. and then I’ll have to decide if i really want to go to Kanachaburri and see all those war things… more bridges, more graveyards, more museums, or if i go back to BKK early and head down south earlier, even if it’s not really appealing either at the moment.
why do i feel like this? this sucks!!!